By Mary Karau
Worth Noting:
- In the case of divorce and separation, which is so common nowadays, mothers should realize it is THE MOTHER AND FATHER who are divorced or separated. The children NEVER STOP BEING SONS AND DAUGHTERS TO THEIR FATHERS. Women cause a lot of havoc when they tell very toxic stories about their husbands to their children. These women should go and vent to their siblings and friends but not the children, whether they are young or adults.
- We commend our Deputy President for his campaigns against alcohol abuse in Kenya and especially our CEREB Region. In fact, only a campaign at the presidential level can bear fruit. While we are extremely delighted to see His Excellency Rigathi Gachagua lead these campaigns, we also must come out strongly and join the campaigns by having peaceful homes and peaceful families.
My dear reader, allow me to engage you on a topic that is as sensitive as it is serious.
“Mothers and sons in our African Culture, and more so, our culture in the Mountain” Women carry the mantle to their sons. But with the man as the head! Man being father, uncle or father figure!
To begin with, in the olden days, you never heard a name like Kabura Wanjiku (My name is Kabura, and my mother is Wanjiku) this is because of our patriarchal naming culture. In the Mountain we are a very strong patriarchal community, and we therefore do not know how to behave when this patriarchal culture is shaken by situations or by personal choices
In our families, small boys and girls are mostly taken care of by their mothers or mother figures. At this age, they are manageable and the mother is very happy doing what women are born to do best, BEING MOTHERS. As they grow older, the manhood of the sons starts emerging. They start asking why girls have plaited hair and not boys, why big boys love girls, etc.
These are signs their manhood is emerging. A mother has never dated girls. She knows how to be chased not to chase. These mothers have to remember they are females and they have no idea how to turn their sons into young men and future husbands. A MAN can play that role. This man is the boy’s father, their grandfather or their uncle or whoever else the male figure is in their life. SO LONG AS IT IS A MAN. This same man should guide on the name to appear in the boy’s national ID to exhibit a patriarchal identity in school and in life.
Just this action will give our boy child confidence and lead them away from alcohol. Unfortunately, mothers are unaware of this and they continue parenting the boys and helping them make decisions, and this erodes the boy’s self-image because the image they have of a woman is distorted. I once coached a boy of Form TWO who had tried several times to commit suicide. The family had tried all ways to deal with the matter with no success.
When I dug deep to get to the root cause, he said he was laughed at in school because he was named after his mother, a single mother. The mother later brought her brothers together to address the issue. They then asked their dad (grandpa to the teenager) for advice. He advised the elder uncle to allow the boy to use his name. The wife had to be involved so that they all know the effects especially in relation to future property matters.
A lawyer advised they document the matter. But the teenager later finished Form Four, got very good grades, and is now studying electronic engineering in University. His mother allowed him to pursue music, which was his other concern, and he now records music as he studies.
Fathers, please take over parenting of your boys and make it a project. Mothers please make it a project to RELEASE YOUR BOYS TO THEIR FATHERS. Allow fathers to “father their sons”. Give advice to boys with a lot of caution so that the main message is from the father. If the father says A, and your opinion is B, agree first with the father on how to approach the matter. Then allow the father to say, “I had said A, Now I think B is better” This will prevent friction in the boy’s mind.
In the case of divorce and separation, which is so common nowadays, mothers should realize it is THE MOTHER AND FATHER who are divorced or separated. The children NEVER STOP BEING SONS AND DAUGHTERS TO THEIR FATHERS. Women cause a lot of havoc when they tell very toxic stories about their husbands to their children. These women should go and vent to their siblings and friends but not the children, whether they are young or adults.
We commend our Deputy President for his campaigns against alcohol abuse in Kenya and especially our CEREB Region. In fact, only a campaign at the presidential level can bear fruit. While we are extremely delighted to see His Excellency Rigathi Gachagua lead these campaigns, we also must come out strongly and join the campaigns by having peaceful homes and peaceful families.
Men must stop physical domestic violence and women must stop psychological domestic violence. Peaceful homes will be a factory of peaceful sons and daughters who are stable enough to drink for leisure and not to abuse the drink. A happy child becomes a happy adult. Churches have to support the campaigns by teaching young men and women how to be INTENTIONAL PARENTS. Young couples have to be supported by older ones on how to maintain peace in their homes.
This was our culture, and we have to bring it back. In the Book of Timothy in the Bible, older women are commanded by St Paul to mentor and educate younger women. In the same light, older men have to mentor younger men. Indeed, if the whole population does not own the process, then we shall find ourselves in the same hole of helplessness, alcoholism, broken homes and domestic violence for a long time.
Men, women, boys and girls; chiefs, clergy, professionals, farmers, business communities and all other classes of people of the mountain must “AMUA” that alcohol abuse is a menace that must be eradicated at all costs
As we marked IDADA, International Day Against Drug Abuse on 26th June 2023, my mind pondered on some of the hidden causes of alcoholism. Family environment came filling my mind like a flood. Because of the Mau Mau era, many families in our region became matriarchal, led by women. This was as a result of our fathers being hounded into lorries and “GUTHAMIO” into “Concentration Camps” like Manyani and others. Mothers were left stranded, fending for their children, and also defending themselves against the Guards “Ngati”. All this I learnt from my parents, who told us about the state of emergency years over and over again. They even taught us the Mau Mau songs. We need to start teaching our children that history
This history is part of the causes of alcohol abuse. Guthamio resulted in very empowered mothers who were left with no other choice but to empower each other as young wives and mothers. Their cultural security was shaken in 1952. The matter was made worse after independence, good as it was.
When uhuru/freedom and self-rule came to Kenya, many economic opportunities arose in the name of employment in the urban areas. This led to urban migration of the men who were the sole breadwinners, as women were busy farming for food security and also parenting. The women did not realize that they were SINGLE PARENTS YET MARRIED. They nurtured both boys and girls.
The fathers were weekend parents. This resulted in even more powerful women, yet under the umbrella of marriage. They would hide under the authority of their husbands saying “I will report you to your father when he comes” At times the father came only twice a month, on the 15th and 30th. This led to the boy child missing their father and mentor. The generation born in the 60s and 70s were victims of this culture.
The men of that generation did not get much nurturing from their fathers. They, therefore, did not know how to mentor and father their sons born in the 80s and 90s. These sons are the adults of today. They now have their own children and they also do not know how to deal with their sons born in the 90s and 2000s. This scenario has brought a lot of confusion to the boy child. The wazees forgot the sons as they started their Mbuzi lifestyle (CIAMA). So, these sons are too old to be mama’s sons, and not old enough to accompany daddy in his KIAMA life.
WHOSE SONS ARE THEY? Do they belong to the society? The best society offers is peer pressure, alcohol, fun and other environmental influences that make the son of the mountain vulnerable, lonely, and judged by me, you, the church, government, and any other party ready to look at them with a “What is wrong with you?” mentality.
Our sons of the Mountain might be good providers, but in being men of the Mountain, they have to be taught. Who will teach them? Officially and unofficially, older men. Our men have to talk with their sons and grandsons. They need to make them friends so that they engage on life matters. Older men have to allow the boys and young men in their lives to carry the Njungwa na Mukwanju for them as they go for Mburi and other man-oriented functions.
If older men don’t take responsibility for mentoring our young men, our boys will continue falling deeper into alcohol abuse and might even be tempted to join the LGBT community without any apologies. And the people most affected will be us parents. We must be intentional parents to both boy- and girl-child. Today is the day, not tomorrow. A happy child becomes a happy adult. A happy adult has self-mastery and is able to enjoy alcohol, not abuse it.
_Mary Karau Ngethe is the Founder and CEO of A Life Coaching firm called Impact Results Africa. She is a Global Leadership Catalyst, Transformative and family Certified Life Coach and a Celebrated Motivational Speaker. She passionately advocates for “Peace in Our Hearts & in Our Families”
She can be contacted on 0722652111 or Email marykaraungethe@gmail.com_
